self-expression

there were all these things i wanted to post about after my chaotic social-justice-funding whirlwind last weekend. new donor circle, new community fund, new models, new thoughts...i had all of this inspiration and energy. and i can feel it slipping away and i don't know how to hold on.

for a hot second there this fall i was so good about writing, voicing what i needed to say. i've fallen out of that and i can literally feel it in my body, like i'm trapping self-expression in my gut. i've had a frog in my throat for the past month that i just can't shake; i'm wondering if it's my thoughts desperate to escape in the form of mucus. ew.

not that i haven't been expressing myself at all. it's just that i'm simply...not good at it. i've never been good at it, it's the WASP in me, i suppose :) but it really is something i want to be better at, to say how i feel, what i want, or even just what is going on in my head. i think part of the reason why i get so easily frustrated with other people at times is because i don't realize they can't read my mind.

so. i think i want to start going to therapy again. some iteration of it, at least. when i went to a therapist in high school, i would always cry the whole time. no matter how good of a day i'd had, or what she asked me about, it would always quickly dissolve into tears, and i usually had no idea why. if i'm really really honest about the reasons why i haven't gone back... the unavoidable, no-good-reason-for-them-god-why-am-i-crying-if-i-feel-happy tears probably have a great deal to do with it. and, the sheer denial: i don't *need* a therapist. i'm healthy, happy, not depressed, not out of control, not any other things that i tell myself i should be in order to "deserve" a therapist. but maybe i should buy myself a holiday present this year: a 50 minute hour of someone's listening ear.

xo.

first time for everything

friends, i've joined the ranks: i too now have this place where you can come to read my thoughts. i caved for 3 reasons:

1) i think of things to journal constantly throughout the day, but never actually take the time to write them down. being the product of the 21st century that i am, i'm hoping that a virtual space will make it easier to actually follow through on my desire to be the kind of person that records things.

2) i am pretty damn nervous about sharing my thoughts and writing with people; strangers but moreso folks i know and work with and admire. i'm hoping that by making writing a regular thing and constantly putting myself out there, it will dull the fear of judgment. in fact, that's what the name is rooted in-- the contradictions of thoughts; the often unfinished, unpolished nature of musing; remembering that some days we will find brilliance in big ideas and other days we will simply find simplicity.

3) i forget #3 now that i've gotten this far! whoops.

anyway, this first post is mostly just so i can get over the hurdle of The First Post and move on to bigger and better things. i'll leave you with the following links to more good reads:

http://skinnedkneeswingsblueprints.wordpress.com: stacie and lex saying some really smart shit.

Enough: the personal politics of resisting capitalism: tyrone, dean, and guest posters (myself being the latest one!) saying some more really smart shit.

Flip Flopping Joy: the (re)thinking walking series-- jess and others blog about walking, movement, and re-defining their relationships to it. i dont read it nearly enough but when i do i am seriously blown away.

more links coming later...for now it's time to go to sleep. sweet dreams, world!