talkin' to family friends

this is an email i stumbled across this morning. it's in response to an email from a dear old family friend; her email was following up on a heated-ish conversation we, her partner, and my mother had had the night before. not all of the facts and figures hold totally true for me anymore, but i thought it was worth sharing as one way i tried to articulate my politics and thoughts around wealth.

4/26/09

dear ____,

first and foremost, you in NO way fucked up in our conversations last night! no forgiveness is necessary because i never felt angry in the first place. i did not feel like you were ranting in the slightest, and figuring out "the right words to use" is hard for all of us, myself definitely included-- it comes with the territory of talking about taboo topics that we fumble or don't say exactly what we mean, and i take that as a given in any conversation i have about this stuff. i love engaging in lively conversations about money and giving and i always learn from whomever i'm talking to, last night included. i'm honored that you took the mental space and literal time, especially given all that's going on in your life, to write me today and express your views and personal decisions. really, like you said, all this shit is kept so incredibly guarded in our lives, it truly means a lot to me that you're willing to share and actively discuss it all.

all that said, it doesn't mean i don't want to continue these conversations. i don't think the first step of simply breaking the taboo of conversation should be undervalued-- just discussing money and wealth as an upper-class person feels like a radical act in and of itself. and that's a lot of what my work is and what resource generation does. just getting people to talk about their values and their money, especially simultaneously, brings up all sorts of things, some that are really hard to wrestle with.

i'm having trouble figuring out how to respond to all that you said, because i hear you on so many counts and really value your model and beliefs. it gives me a lot to think about, and is very much along the lines of what my mother had said to me that afternoon. i guess i should start with a disclaimer, which is that i am hyper-sensitive to feeling patronized, and sometimes get exasperated too quickly because i get caught up in that (which is really just my own personal shit, and has a lot to do with being so small and "cute" and "little" my whole life-- hardly money issues!). i don't feel annoyed or patronized at all by you, but it's important to know that if i start to sound exasperated, it's because i often feel like what this comes down to is people not believing that i can know myself at age 22. and again, i really hear that over time, throughout life, you and i and everybody learns and matures and grows in ways they can't anticipate. but that's exactly why i'm not giving away my whole fortune. i'll be open about numbers, because i think its the only way to have real conversations about this stuff: i have a trust fund that i inherited at 21 that had $235,000 in it (currently it has $189,000 since the market crashed). i am planning on giving away $40,000 a year for the next two years, so by the time i'm 25 i'll still have over $100,000 left. this doesn't include my personal savings, which over the years has accrued and now totals around $20,000.

so just based on those figures, the most straightforward thing i can say is that because i don't know what life looks like down the road, and because i know that i don't know all there is to know about the world, i'm still keeping a substantial amount of wealth. i have no idea what my life and needs will be in two years, so i'm keeping what i consider more than a cushion-y enough amount so i have time to continually re-evaluate my priorities and decisions.

so then there comes this ever-present, never-answered question of what is "enough." what is enough to have, what is enough to give away, what do necessity and security mean? for me, it all starts at myself, at really knowing and trusting what values i hold true, and with teasing out true and meaningful security and happiness from "extras". for example, in my opinion, everyone should be able to have the financial and community stability to be able to support aging parents. that is a priority. but by the same token, supporting and building government and community infrastructures that ensure that all aging folks can be cared for is also integrally part of what i envision in the world. and both sides of that coin are integrally a part of my own personal ability to sleep at night, my own happiness and ability to "sit right" in a truly genuine way with the world i'm living in.

i also know about myself that the world i envision doesn't give me, or anyone, the option of some of the absurd richy-rich things that wealthy people engage in. i'm not talking about you or me here! i'm talking about like, people in LA who own multi-zillion dollar homes and private jets and fancy cars. i fundamentally hold true the belief that these things are a) not necessary, b) moreover, destructive (to the earth, eco-wise, etc), and c) never going to be available to everyone and thus fundamentally unfair. and these a, b, and c are the opposite of what i was talking about with aging parents-- the security of something like that IS something i think everyone should and could have in their lives, if only our country and world were shaken up a bit. the zillion dollar homes and fancy cars, though, not so much.

i guess i bring up these two sort of extreme examples to lead to all the gray matter in between. i think about this stuff all the time, trying to be compassionate with myself and others in my/their belief of what is necessary and what is extra. and i also try to push myself and others to rethink assumptions or ways to build a meaningful, balanced, secure, and fulfilling life. a good example of this in my life is travel. i have never ever been someone who has been drawn to traveling. sure, going to france and peru and chile were all wonderful and fun and inspiring. but when i really sit down to think about what makes me happy and what im naturally drawn to, it's not travel. i knew this about myself when i was 4 when i refused to go on sleepovers, and when i was 11 and decided to opt-out of a vacation to italy, and when i was 21 and decided not to go to st. john with my dad. it also extends to the fact that most of the people i love are pretty close by me geographically, so far travel isn't needed. for me, traveling is "extra," and not really something i'm willing to spend my money on. for other people, it's different. their families are across the country, or overseas, or they have trouble truly being happy without adventure to faroff places. in that case, the decision about need/extra is considerably foggy, and i try to trust people, in general, to make the decisions that are right for them. but for me- spending money in that way isn't what i want, so redirecting those resources to places that need them makes far more sense. does that make sense?

i also push myself to think about what really makes me happy when it's not quite as obvious as the travel scenario. take college, for example. the ability to attend any school i wanted, no questions asked, is something i am indescribably thankful for and wish that wealth of opportunity on everybody. however, something that i've learned is that there are many other places, and many other ways, that i could've learned just as much and been just as happy as i was at wesleyan. in fact, it is almost because of the opportunity i had to go anywhere that i didn't stop to think about all the great things i could've done instead of attending a highly prestigious institution. just like age and experience teaches you things between 20 and 40, it also taught me things between 17 and 22. such as, i would have excelled and done great things at UMASS, or smith [with the half-off tuition for northampton residents], for a fraction of the cost of wesleyan. i would have excelled and done great things if i had done an americorps program, or become an outward bound leader. i know that my ability to excel and do great things very much stems from the already-privileged position i came from, but that position also sheltered me from all of the wonderful opportunities i could have had if a place like wesleyan wasn't the "obvious" or assumed choice. and think about all i could've done with that $190,000 of tuition!!! i want to question the assumption that that's the best and idealized way to spend one's resources after high school.

phew! i'm sorry this is getting so long winded. i tend to be a rant-y writer, and also am thinking through so much of this stuff as i write my thoughts are a bit jumbled or roundabout. but i'm so super excited to just have these conversations, and have people push back against what i present, and be able to push back against them.

i guess the last thing i want to share is that i think so much about how even being able to have these conversations, and these options, put me in such a teeny tiny class of people, and that the vast vast majority of folks in the world can't even conceive of what i have. and while there are certainly loads of people in the world who are unhappy and unhealthy in all sorts of ways i would never wish on myself, there are also a whole lot of people who are happy and healthy and fulfilled living with a whole lot less than i have or could have. so part of my own quest for happiness and fulfillment is figuring out how to embody those ways of life myself. and for me, that also includes the act of giving money away. sure i have my fair share of days where i feel burdened by guilt, but by and large thinking about all my resources and how i can redistribute them is an incredibly exciting and empowering thing; it's exciting and empowering to be able to support, but also trust and learn from people and organizations and movements that are doing work to make the world a more just place.

so! this has been my food for thought lately, and i'd love to hear more of your thinking and wisdom on it. as much as i stated i am extra-quick to feel patronized, i also know that i can come off as incredibly patronizing at times, so i really really hope you are not taking any of this as personal judgment, or criticism, or dogma, or me preaching, or anything remotely like that!! this is me, thinking aloud and trying to make sense of it all and share that with you, so i hope you see it as a peek into my mind and nothing more.

i love you so much! it was wonderful, as always, to see you last night and i had a fabulous time catching up. i love that you've known me for so long and we can have these complicated conversations with the trust and knowledge of each other's goodness that (i assume!) we do. thank you, really, again for taking the time to be so thoughtfully concerned with how the discussion went last night and to write me with more meaningful things to say. i always look forward to talking with you!!

so much love, and please pass along my love and support to ____ as well.

hope you enjoyed today's sunshine!

xo,
j