post- MMMC

so much, so much. not coherent yet, maybe never will be. but what i'm left with is such an intense and visceral understanding and appreciation for the ways that deep ideas, emotions, reactions, knowledge can seep into my being without my even knowing it.

for the first two days of MMMC i was fully present, but almost to a fault. there was something about being there as an organizer, no longer the new kid, that made it harder to access my own vulnerability. but somewhere around saturday morning (in no small part due to Tyrone and Tiny's workshop, to be sure) i really felt...alive. for the rest of the weekend, and into today, i've remained in this incredible place of thought, of struggle, of challenge, of confusion, but also with such peace, such tranquility. i don't feel lonely in it. for the first time in a long time, i don't feel lonely with these feelings.

MJK, i wish you had been there. all of my personal and organizing work around wealth and class certainly doesn't center around moving home, nor should it. but it was a topic that continues to make it's way into all those spaces, no matter what aspect of privilege i am talking about. or even, what aspect of humanness i am talking about. what MJK writes in the recent post up here, or what i wrote about for Enough this summer, it all builds and shifts. and every time i talk about it, it feels more nerve-wracking, but more possible.

three scary things still swirl in my mind. scary isn't bad. it's just....tenuous excitement...maybe? thanks to those of you this weekend in particular who reminded me i'm not alone in these worries.

scary #1: who and what i think is cool don't necessarily think moving home is cool.
i get thumbs up and support for my decisions, sure. but at the end of the day, the radical, mostly-queer, mostly-privileged, mostly young folks i turn to as my "community," who i look to for guidance about life-choices, are not making this decision. they are living in communal houses or co-ops or lovely, loving families of choice. the cool rich kids movement, as billy wimsatt coined much of the RG world, tends to supports certain models of rebellion over others... parents = not cool. where you came from= everything wrong with the world. presenting alternative, more nuanced models is hard. and scary. and feels unpopular. wasn't i supposed to get over this anxiety in middle school?

scary #2: what if i wake up when i'm 40, having lived with my folks for 15+ years, and feel terribly, deeply, regretfully ALONE?
this sounds dramatic, but it's so real. beyond the scariness of making unpopular decisions- no, underlying the scariness of making unpopular decisions- is the fear of being alone. i have always feared being alone. not alone like, i can't depend on myself (in fact, i am sometimes a loner to the point of my own detriment) but alone like, really, deeply resisting the dominant paradigm of partners and children and nuclear families. living with my folks doesnt prevent that scenario, but it certainly would change the decisions i made leading up to that dreaded mid-life morning.
someone recently made the excellent point that moving in with my parents and working on building multi-generational community still actively includes relationships with people my own age. but fighting the idea that long-term relationships and people to grow old with (not just lover-types, but all types) have to be within a certain age range is fucking hard.
beyond that-- even validating my relationships with my parents, or their/my older friends is incredibly difficult! i was home over a weekend last month and spent all saturday night cooking, drinking wine, eating, talking with my folks and close family friends. was that genuine fun, authentic relationships, and community? for sure. did i feel like i was missing out on my "real" life, not attending a queer dance party or having brunch with my young friends in brooklyn? for sure. how do i validate, to myself as much as anyone, the time i spend like this? again, the middle-school cool factor rears its head.

scary #3: what if i turn into my parents?
this is a different kind of scary. in many ways, i DO want to turn into my parents (mom, i love you). or at least learn a hella lot from them. but in other ways, i honestly want to make different decisions. i'm not sure i want to live in such a sheltered place (like literally, on the street i grew up on). i'm not sure i want to offer my kids- if i take that path- a guaranteed private college education. or trips to other countries. maybe i will. i have no idea. but i want to make sure i am pushed to have those different options, and worry i'll fall into old patterns too easily if i'm at home (this includes lots of not-so-good-for-me adolescent habits that creep up from time to time when i spend too long at home). will i be a perpetual 16 year old? i wasn't very happy at 16. i worry.
i also worry that in moving home i'm totally mooching off my privilege, futher burrowing into the cushion of it rather than pushing against it. but it's not like i can ever step out of it, so on my better days i say, why not just dive headfirst into it?

xoxo.